Have we talked about perseveration? I feel like we haven’t talked about it enough.
So perseveration is the fixation autistics feel. That’s really good when you’re trying to write up your master’s project. It’s less helpful when you’re stuck on a bad emotion and can’t let it go.
It’s the whole Class 58 brain thing.
So you can get stuck spiralling on a depressive cycle. You can work yourself into a state because the last time you did X it went really badly and obviously the same thing is going to happen again. You can torture yourself over something that you said to someone else – that they may well not even think or worry about themselves. You can wind your husband up by endlessly asking him if he wants to leave you yet (because people go right, everyone abandons you eventually – this would be why autistic women regularly get misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder). Sometimes you get stuck anger ruminating.
Boy can autistics bear a grudge.
It’s pretty ugly to witness in other autistics and I don’t like to see it myself. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have few grudges. I’m not proud of myself.
It does get better. Time helps, as does being a Christian. The key thing being if God can forgive me for all the many ways I’ve wronged him then the least I can do is forgive others that hurt me. Then there’s that line in the book of Romans about being kind to your enemies – because in doing so you heap burning coals upon their heads…
That helps a lot with praying for those who have really hurt you. Because then it’s up to God, he can take your prayer and use it to heal your heart and cause repentance in their hearts too. Or he can use it to turn up the heat for them in the other place. Either way you can eventually move past it and forgive those who’ve wronged you.